Navigating Divorce with a Narcissistic Co-parent

Divorcing a narcissist is never easy. But attempting to co-parent with one can introduce an entirely new level of emotional turmoil, legal challenges, and psychological manipulation.

The very strategies that narcissists often employ—gaslighting, triangulation, control—can become even more dangerous when children are involved.

At the Divorce Law Firm Bansmer Law, we work with clients across San Joaquin County who find themselves in high-conflict custody situations, including those involving narcissistic co-parents. Our mission is to protect your rights, advocate for your child’s best interests, and bring clarity to a process that often feels like being trapped in a maze.

In this guide, we answer the most pressing questions from individuals who are trying to navigate the difficult path of co-parenting with a narcissistic ex.

What Are Signs That You Are Dealing With a Narcissistic Co-parent?

Not every difficult ex is a narcissist, but if your co-parent displays a consistent pattern of manipulation, a need for control, and a lack of empathy, it may point to narcissistic traits.

Common signs include:

• Refusing to follow custody agreements or constantly trying to renegotiate terms
• Undermining your authority in front of your children
• Insisting on being the “favorite parent” at all costs
• Weaponizing communication or parenting time to provoke emotional reactions

These behaviors are not merely differing views on parenting. They can directly impact your children’s well-being and your legal standing in court. Documenting these patterns is crucial.

How Do Narcissists Use Children in Co-parenting Situations?

Narcissistic co-parents often use children as tools to manipulate, control, or punish the other parent. This might include:

• Parental alienation – Speaking negatively about you to your child or encouraging the child to reject you
• Triangulation – Using the child to carry messages, secrets, or emotional burdens
• Competing for loyalty – Bribing, spoiling, or emotionally manipulating the child to “choose sides”

These behaviors create confusion, emotional instability, and long-term psychological harm for children. In legal terms, such conduct may justify modifications to custody or visitation orders, especially if it’s shown to be contrary to the child’s best interests.

What Boundaries Should You Set When Co-parenting With a Narcissist?

Boundaries are your strongest line of defense when co-parenting with a narcissist.

We often recommend a parallel parenting model over traditional co-parenting. This approach limits direct communication and minimizes opportunities for conflict. Tools like OurFamilyWizard or Talking Parents provide documented, monitored channels for communication.

Essential boundaries include:

• All agreements in writing—never rely on verbal changes to your parenting schedule
• No emotional engagement—keep communication factual, brief, and focused on the children
• Stick to the court order—do not bend rules to “keep the peace”

Your attorney can work with you to create a custody plan that accounts for these boundaries and is enforceable in court.

What Documentation Should You Keep When Co-parenting With a Narcissist?

When co-parenting with a narcissist, documentation is absolutely essential. Narcissistic individuals often rely on charm in public and chaos behind the scenes. The best way to protect yourself legally is by building a paper trail of everything relevant to your case.

We recommend keeping a detailed record of the following:

• All communication – Use court-approved communication tools like the apps mentioned above. These platforms timestamp every message and prevent edits or deletions
• Visitation logs – Note any missed or late pickups, returns, or denied visits
• Behavioral incidents – Record any outbursts, violations of the custody agreement, or inappropriate conduct—especially if witnessed by your child
• Expenses – Maintain receipts for shared costs (medical, educational, extracurricular) in case of financial disputes
• Medical and school records – If the narcissistic co-parent withholds information, this documentation becomes critical in proving interference

Even if you are unsure whether something “counts,” document it. Your attorney can later determine what is useful and what is not. A well-organized file can significantly strengthen your position in court if you need to seek enforcement, modifications, or sanctions.

What Should You Avoid Doing When Dealing with a Narcissistic Ex?

When emotions are high, it is tempting to respond in kind—but this can often backfire. Avoid the following:

• Do not react emotionally in writing – Narcissists may bait you into angry texts or emails that can later be used against you in court
• Do not speak negatively about your ex to your child – It could be perceived as alienation, even if your concerns are valid
• Do not assume the court “will see” what is happening – Courts rely on evidence, not assumptions

Instead, stay calm, stay documented, and let your attorney guide your responses and filings.

How Can You Protect Your Children from the Impact of a Narcissistic Co-parent?

Your child’s mental health and emotional development are the highest priority. Here are several ways to protect them:

• Consistency – Maintain stable routines and a calm environment in your home
• Therapeutic support – Consider child therapy, especially if your child is showing signs of distress or confusion
• Legal protections – If warranted, your attorney can request supervised visitation or modifications to custody
• Minor’s Counsel – In San Joaquin County, the court may appoint Minor’s Counsel to advocate for the child’s best interests. Bansmer Law proudly offers this service and can help you request it when appropriate

How Can a Family Law Attorney Help With Narcissistic Co-parenting Issues?

An experienced family law attorney is not just a legal representative—they are your strategist, advocate, and buffer against chaos.

At Bansmer Law, we help clients:

• Draft detailed, enforceable custody agreements
• File for emergency orders or modifications when necessary
• Collect and present evidence of harmful behavior
• Navigate court procedures calmly and strategically
• Leverage local court knowledge and judicial preferences

Attorney Erica M. Bansmer brings over a decade of experience in high-conflict family law cases across Stockton, Tracy, Manteca, Lathrop, and surrounding areas.

Our team knows how to manage toxic personalities in court—and protect your long-term peace of mind. Contact us today at (209) 474-2400 to schedule your consultation.